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Satisfied
By
RS Paxton
“Are you satisfied, now?”
Turning to look into his dark eyes, “How can I be? How can anyone ever be satisfied?”
“We’ve reached the point where it doesn’t matter. You won the argument, I’ve kept my promise and it’s time to move on.”
I dropped my stare to my feet, let out a long sigh. “Not what I expected, not at all.” And shook my head.
“Never is.”
“And none of it’s important, is it?”
“None of it happened, how could it be important?”
Holding my voice under my breath, “Dunno, I was just kind of hoping that, I don’t know, don’t know what I was hoping.”
“That there’d be some value in all this, that in some strange way your life would have meaning, perhaps?”
Nodding, “Yea. Funny though how it turned out.”
“How do you mean ‘funny’.”
“Just so normal, you know. There was nothing great or grand about any of it. In fact, it all was kinda painful to watch at times.”
“Well, watching it and doing it are two different experiences.”
“Yea, watching it sure doesn’t bring a sense of fulfillment, that’s for sure.”
“I imagine not, but we are done here, are we not?”
“I ‘spect we are but I do have a question, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind as long as you realize all the questions in the world won’t change the outcome.”
“Now that’s strange, you already know what I’m gonna ask?”
“No, I don’t!”
I wondered if he was being truthful. “So if this is the way it woulda been, is there a way to make it different, you know make it great, make it grand and worthwhile?”
What would be the point, none of it happened.”
“But if it had happened, could any of it be changed?”
“Oh please don’t go into the metaphysical morbidity of reality, just don’t go there.”
“O’ come on, it’ can’t be that hard to answer.”
“Yes, it can be changed, and simply too, but why?”
“Because there just has to be more to all this than just living and breathing and than dying when you’re all done. I mean, I’m not satisfied.”
“Excuse me, but what is your point. You argued for the chance to see what your life would have been like. You’ve seen it, and now you want to change something that never was?”
I raised an eyebrow, what was I thinking. “No, you see, the point is, I’m not satisfied. I’m not satisfied that that I got sick and died before my belly got fat and hair fell out. I’m not satisfied that even if I had lived to get fat and bald, I’d woulda lived a normal, every day kinda life.”
“Well, if you’re not happy, you’re more than welcome to wander the world with all the other miserable, foreboding souls.”
“Oh no, you’re not going to pull that crap on me. Look, whose life is this?”
I watched him spit his answer out. “Yours.”
“That’s right, mine, you sorry son of a bitch. And I’m not satisfied. This is my life and it’s not what I wanted, not what I paid for God dammit, and you gotta fix it.”
“Calm down before I get pissed. You can’t imagine what I’m like when I get mad. Now what do you expect from me just because you’re not happy with how everything turned out in the life you lived or the life you would have lived? Be sensible and be realistic.”
With a calming breath, “What is the point of life? What was the point of my life? Twenty three years and I did nothing, accomplished nothing and experienced nothing but suffering and agony in the last few years. That’s not what I was born to do.”
“Yes, you were.”
“No, I wasn’t! You could never have shown me what my life would have been like had I not died and you said it yourself, it can be changed, in fact, you said it was simple to change, so all I’m asking is that you simply change it.”
‘You couldn’t just watch what your life would have been like, and then go your way, could you? Let me ask you, say you have it all back, your life, your health, how is it going to be any different than what you’ve seen?”
I didn’t have an answer. “I’m not sure, but it will be. Somehow I know that.”
He smiled. “The only way it would be different is if you knew what was coming, and that’s not going to happen. You’ll make the same mistakes, marry the same woman, struggle with money, agonize over your children, and we’ll end up coming back to this room we’re in right now where you’re friends and family are gathered to watch you die. There is absolutely nothing but futility in your request to live a life you’ve already seen.”
“I’ll walk the world if at the end there’s no difference.”
“I want you to listen to me very carefully. I don’t want you coming back to walk the world. Understand? There’s too many doing that already due to their stupidity or their ignorance in making bargains they can’t keep but if you believe that you can change some thing that’s inherently unchangeable, well, make sure you buy a good pair of shoes to be buried in. One last question, are you sure?”
Cracking a nervous smile, “Yes.”
In a swirl of thought, Death was gone and the scene that I had been witness to, that of my impending death, dissipated along with the sobs of those in mourning, and I returned to life.
***
“So you changed nothing.”
“Apparently not.”
“You recovered from your illness, married the same woman, made the same choices and arrived at the same place as before, at the same time.”
“Yea, I did.” I said, smiling.
“Care to let me in on the secret?”
“Listen.” I nodded, acknowledging the scene being played out where I as an old man, lay gasping on my deathbed, surrounded by my wife, children and grandchildren. Watching as my wife drew an ear near to listen to my last word. A word I struggled with to ride along with that last breath. Was it clear? Did she hear it?
And then it was over in a chorus of tears and sobs and all was as it had been. Death had been right, of course. I had changed nothing.
But something had changed.
“Interesting” Death claimed, “Not too often that happens.”
“Yea, I wasn’t expecting that myself.”
I think he smiled, just a bit. “So you’re ready to move on?”
“Why not, like I said, I’m satisfied."
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